Updated: Apr 9, 2020
This may come off as a personal PSA letter, but really more like me venting.
Reaching my 30’s has been an amazing blessing and nothing shy of anything less. BUT, since reaching this age-milestone I’ve been tormented and interrogated frequently with the question, “when are you going to have a baby?”
As my identical twin sister is slowly approaching mothering her 3rd child, the questions regarding my fertility begins to heighten. I have lost count of how many times per day my husband and I are interrogated about having children. I’ve even lost desire to attend dinner dates or large groups in simple avoidance of this question that by some means has become bothersome to us. I mean, we are just uncomfortable being placed in an awkward position to feel pressured to answer a question we really would like to remain private.
We really…really enjoy each other and the way things are. We can assume it may sound selfish for certain people, but 3yrs into a marriage is still very gentle, and the enjoyment of just-the-two-of us is pretty darn awesome.
But my effort here is more-so to challenge women on why we rush, demand, or expect each other to jump into one milestone to the next, as if there is a standard manual to marriage and post-marriage. We obviously carry unmet goals and dreams that have yet to be fulfilled, but why don’t we question one another of these aspirations? Why do we demand each other to suit-up (woman-up) for the roles and the expectancy that society, tradition, and culture has deemed so-called righteous, dignified, or by–the-book?
Since I’ve been married I have yet to meet any woman who is married with/o children ask me “how are you?” These 3 words mean the world. These three words override … “When you’re going to have a baby, or when you’re going to get married?” Why doesn’t checking with one another take precedence anymore?
In this life many of us will birth many things. Some will birth physical (children) others will birth their life-time goals that are either educational, career oriented, or entrepreneurial. Why aren’t these “births” questioned or prioritized in the center of conversation amongst women?
These “births” are personal and each has its value and priority for each woman. These “births” require support like anything else, right? We shouldn’t measure or value one’s sense of worth over the other, right? Supporting women in areas that are male dominated, challenging, or screams advancement is necessary during these times as we begin to surface our 30’s. We know those women who feel highly accomplished with bringing life into this world, but let’s also have some reverence for those who’ve achieved significant goals in their lives aside from bringing forth life.
On a serious note, we don’t have a clue who’s battling infertility issues, marital discord, or overcoming miscarriages along with significant unforeseen health concerns. So why do you think someone will volunteer sharing such an intimate part of their lives to you? Ladies, let’s not be so callous and/or inconsiderate with the “baby” question. I don’t understand why women today are not cognizant enough to withhold the urge to ask another woman of their baby plans. One day you may ask a woman who has been tirelessly struggling with this area in her life, and your question may be the trigger and tipping point of her anguish to conceiving.
Recently I’ve been overstretched to answer my baby plans, to the point I’ve felt offended. I never knew that I would be so emotional about this. I examined deeper as to why certain individuals are more inquisitive or just plain NOSY with this life changing decision. While this particular person persisted with the baby questions I repeatedly responded, “It’s all in God’s timing,” but in turn she continued and decided to “speak” over my life in terms of conceiving; but I never gave her the permission to do so. She has never spoken anything over my life nor supported any of my other milestones whatsoever, but insisted in inviting herself in this facet of my life. I’m unfamiliar with the root of her intentions or anyone’s true intentions as to why they want me to become with-child so desperately. I mean these people never wished anything else for my life. It’s a curiosity that screams spite; but I can’t really frame into words what it feels like, but it feels far from sincere at this point. In closure, this is not a jab at any loved ones or friends, but an extended written request to reduce the stress caused by the endless questioning.
Now to help my girls attack the next most visited question- “When are you going to get married?”